Writing
has proven difficult. Wether it be finding the time, the words, the energy or ability I have found it difficult to express my thoughts, feelings and experiences.
I could
describe at length why I feel this is but will synthesis by
saying at the end of the day it was a chose. Our time is our own,
our words are an essence of our experiences and our energy a result
of the combination.
Reflecting back, so much has happened and all
with significance to be shared but at that point time, for whatever
reason I could not. And this, I would like to change.
Since by arrival and after my lapse in writing, there have been
moments when I look back and think, “I should have wrote about
this, I can't believe I didn't share that,” and I grow angry with
myself. A result of this is the continuous inability to express my
stories and experiences - for I feel I will never be able to catch up.
Part of
me believes part of the struggle has been that the past few months have seemed like a
roller coaster – waiting so long in line and then here, it's your turn. You're living it and you're scared, excited, energized, nervous,
liberated, confused and sometimes disoriented and sometimes you keep your
eyes closed and then all of a sudden – it's over.
I think
I fell into this pattern. This experience has been an array of
overwhelming emotions, something I expected and what I was looking for.
My mistake, was not taking ownership of these emotions at the time of. As they are a result of only myself - my thoughts, my values, my
beliefs, my experiences and my expectations. I made a mistake, I didn't
take the time to properly reflect and identify what was taking place
around me – or within me - and I feared so greatly the inability to catch up I forgot I could just start over. Pick up, and begin again.
My
words should not portray an image of unfortunate events but rather
a journey of personal exploration and self discovery. This journey
has had it's ups and downs – as every journey does. You'll pass
through valleys and gulfs. Climbs hills and pass shorelines, sometimes you excel and others slow down. It is all part of the journey and what makes each unique.
I must strongly state that I have enjoyed every aspect of this experience and am thankful - to the point of near explosion, but I choose not to romanticize the process and give equal recognition to the struggles of this journey as well as the overall accomplishments. I have enjoyed every moment - challenges, bumps and bruises, sunny days, rainbows and lollipops - but we've had them all.
And no real story would be complete - if not honest - without them.
This
small piece of writing is my acknowledgement of the fear that I have been
carrying with me – fear to share my experiences for how they may be
perceived. “Is this good enough? Will people understand? Will they judge me? Does it do
the truth justice?”
These thoughts continue to run through my mind
and cause me much grief.
Chances are, many
may not understand, people will always judge and everything can't always be good enough. But words will never justify experience - real life experience - but that
does not mean they are not worth writing down. As it is the best
option we have for sharing ideas, provoking thought and proving to the world certain events took place.
 |
| It's time to get writing. |
I have decided to make a choice and commit to making time to exchange my experiences with those interested in reading. I would rather attempt and fail then not try again - and if I don't begin now, I will return to Canada and will not have anything written of my experiences to reflect on. An if I don't begin now, I may not begin at all.
So, I
am going to write. I will reflect. I will do my best to express
myself to an audience that is just like me – passionate but unsure,
intrigued, cautious and best of all, curious.
Without
struggle there can't be accomplishment and without celebration
we can never acknowledge success.
